Sufficiently is a word that has weighed on my mind since I received my Patriarch blessing 11 years ago. There is a paragraph that says that my body will be sufficiently strong. As I read it all those years ago I wondered why the word sufficiently was there. Why didn't it just say my body will be healthy and strong and leave it at that. In all honesty it scared me to death. There are a lot of things that are sufficient that are not very good and that was the word used to describe my health.
It didn't take long for me to figure out why it was there. 9 months later I was in Washington getting ready to meet my boyfriends parents. I was staying with his cousin and my roommate for New years and then taking a bus to the other side of the state to meet them. The night before we were to leave I woke up in the middle of the night unable to breath and with sharp pain in my chest and arms. Jess went and woke up her dad and my boyfriend and they gave me a blessing. I made it through the rest of the visit just fine but when I got back it started happening more. Doctors, tests, EKG etc. and no answers. They finally decided that it was anxiety but couldn't do much to help me.
A little over a year after I received my patriarchal blessing I was a newly wed and I had a period that lasted for 2 months. Doctors didn't know why and couldn't help me. I wasn't able to do much of anything and felt pretty useless as a new wife.
Four years after my blessing I had just had our 2nd child. The pregnancy had been difficult. I was on bed rest for the last 3 months. I thought that once she was born I would be better but it wasn't the case. I got worse. I started passing out and was often unable to get off the couch without falling over. One night Scott and I were talking and I slurred my speech and slumped to one side. So I stared another round of doctors and tests. I did every test they could think of and after a year of testing and no improvement they finally said to take cold showers and that would keep my heart working right.
Six years after my blessing I was pregnant with our 3rd and not doing well at all. I was in bed for the first 3 months sick and the last 5 months with contractions. I was always in pain and could barely take care of my kids. My husband was in the bishopric and was gone a lot. I looked at my blessing and cried. I thought I was supposed to be sufficiently strong and I couldn't do anything. But looking back I guess I was because we made it. :) After my son was born the passing out increased. I was doing the cold showers like they suggested and now I was passing out in the shower. I couldn't drive or go up the stairs without feeling light headed and any quick movements would drop me. I couldn't take it anymore so I went in to another new doctor. His nurse took my BP which was 60/40 and went and got the doctor. They don't keep you waiting when your stats are that bad. He did some more testing and diagnosed me with POTS. They have medication but the best treatment is increasing salt intake. Finally some answers.
Eight years after my blessing I was in constant pain. I finally had the POTS mostly under control and was able to do more than I had for a while but in the evenings the pain would be so bad that I could barely get the kids to bed before I couldn't move anymore. But it was just in the evening so nothing to worry about right :)
I was starting to get scared. Each pregnancy was harder than the last and with each delivery my health would decline but I still felt like there were more little spirits that needed to come. Then my husband was called to be bishop and I was called to serve in the Primary presidency...and we found out I was expecting. I thought for sure that because of the callings and the time that they required we would be blessed with an easy pregnancy. It was not to be. I spent the last 6 months on bed rest and my pain continued to get worse.
Nine years after my blessing I had just had our 4th child and the pain was constant and it made it very hard to do much of anything. I finally went to the doctor and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. They have medication that you can take but not while you are nursing or pregnant and it's main side effect is dizziness. No thanks! I have enough of that without the medicine. So I take as much Ibuprofen and Tylenol as allowed and hope that it is enough for the day.
Ten years after I received my blessing I was sitting folding laundry and my hip popped. I couldn't get up. I couldn't walk. So into the doctor I went. I went straight to a specialist and discovered I had a torn meniscus in my knee and a torn labruim in my hip. The only way to fix it was surgery. So at the ripe old age of 28 I had surgery.
It will be 11 years in March since I got my blessing. I have been getting discouraged. In fact a few days ago I told my husband that I was going to die at 40 of old age. He didn't laugh. In fact I think that I hit on a fear of his. I decided to read my blessing again. Don't get me wrong I have read it many many times since it came in the mail but I decided to really focus on this particular part. Guess what? In the same paragraph it says to keep the word of wisdom and I will have health and strength. No sufficiently in that part of the paragraph. I had always passed it off because I have never been tempted to drink or smoke so I was keeping the word of wisdom and didn't think much about it. Then I was reading it and I realized that the word of wisdom is so much more. In fact the don't do's only take 3 verses. The do's take about 12 verses. So I decided to work on the do's of the word of wisdom. Though it hasn't been much time I can already see a difference. I still hurt but not as bad. I still pass out but not as often.
All this time I focused so much on the negative of that paragraph that I missed that I was given a help too. And as I look back over the last 11 years I realize that my body has been sufficient to the task and that I have learned so much. I learned that it is okay to rely on others sometimes. It is okay to need help and to be weak. I have also realized that it has made me lean on the lord more. So though I know that I will still just be sufficiently strong I am not afraid of it anymore. I am grateful for the things it has taught me.
